


as long as he needs me

by crownless



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: "10/10 would recommend" - jehan (friend i have), Angst, M/M, Oliver - Freeform, Pain, Proceed with caution, as long as he needs me, grantaire makes a song, sadness again im sorry, totalitarian government
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-27
Updated: 2016-04-27
Packaged: 2018-06-04 22:28:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6677863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crownless/pseuds/crownless
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the amis struggle for rights in a totalitarian government and grantaire writes a song, as he tries to figure out what enjolras needs.<br/>(or a really sad fic, in which grantaire and enjolras try to figure some stuff out)</p>
            </blockquote>





	as long as he needs me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hearteyes_peralta](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hearteyes_peralta/gifts).



> the inspiration for this one came from a song from Oliver called As Long as He Needs Me. it is also the song that is in this fic, and it's not my original, but it does hurt, ow.  
> i can't take full credit either, the wonderful jehan (sstormie) helped me out quite a lot c: so thank you bae!  
> And just a final note: this au is one where there is a totalitarian government, and the police are quite horrible but very powerful, just btw.  
> If you'd like to listen to the song here it is (i really like aaron tveit's version): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2chwD0K4_M

Grantaire hadn't ever been very good at anything. His life was a series of activities spent to waste time, never spent on anything of importance. Just fleeting interests and time wasted on things he was no good at. His sketching, his painting, his fencing, his drinking, his smoking, his playing of instruments. They were all equally nothing. However, some nights he could almost trick himself into believing he was doing something important. Those were the nights spent in the Musain, watching the god that said he was mortal speak about what he thought was important. Those were the nights that Grantaire spent with Enjolras. Those were also the nights that Grantaire would scream things at him, about how he was wrong, about how it wasn't important, about how nothing was. But those were the nights Enjolras could give a quiet response, just a whisper, "they are". They were also the nights that he would scream at Grantaire, yell at him about how wrong he was, about how it was important, about how everything was. Those were also the nights that Grantaire drowned himself in whiskey and pretended he couldn't remember what he'd said the morning after. He didn't know why he did that. Maybe it was the cold glare Enjolras gave him, or maybe it was the feeling in the pit of his stomach, or maybe it was that he wanted to pretend that Enjolras didn't hate him, or maybe it was that he didn't want to remember. But he did. He always did.

It was one of these nights that Grantaire came up with the first verse of the song he'd heard in the back of his mind. The song that seemed to play whenever he was around Enjolras. He had jotted the verse down on a napkin when Enjolras had been yelling about how the people needed this movement, when Courfeyrac had looked at him with genuine sadness, when Courfeyrac had moved closer to Combeferre. Courfeyrac's look had struck something inside Grantaire. It was like he thought that Enjolras didn't need him, that he needed the cause, that he needed everything else more. That was a fact that Grantaire refused to accept. Enjolras needed him. He had to need him. Who else would give him importance? That's when the idea had come and the melody had been joined with words:

_"As long as he needs me,_

_Oh yes, he does need me_

_In spite of what you see,_

_I'm sure that he needs me."_

The next verse comes to Grantaire at another meeting. Enjolras is front and center, where he belongs, planning and organizing a protest. Grantaire thinks it will be more than that, that maybe they might go too far, but he doesn't say anything because that's what Enjolras needs. He is silent the entire meeting, which is strange. He's never quiet, he's always ripping down Enjolras' arguments, tearing them to pieces. Enjolras takes this as an insult, because he's him, and he fights what he's not used to, when he doesn't know what to do. Never back that man into a corner.

Again Enjolras is yelling, passionate but cruel, terribly cruel. He's asking, "Don't you have anything to say? Huh, you always seem to some sort of asshole remark to all this? So what, Grantaire? What? You got nothing? Nothing at all to say? Doesn't surprise me."

Still, Grantaire says nothing. It's not what he needs, so he takes it. That's what Enjolras needs right now. Someone to yell at. Enjolras knows he'll always be there to yell at. Grantaire is always there. He always will be. Nothing Enjolras could do would change that.

This time, Grantaire has his sketchbook, so he ducks his head and writes the next verse:

_"Who else would love him still_

_When they've been used so ill?_

_He knows I always will.._

_As long as he needs me."_

The third and fourth verses come to him while he's alone in his apartment. He hadn't gone to the protest. Everyone was probably assuming it was because Grantaire was angry for his harsh words but that wasn't it. Enjolras had appologized. He'd been stressed, and Grantaire had already forgiven him. He hadn't meant those things.

The reason he couldn't go was because Grantaire couldn't bear to see him hurt and there was no doubt they'd all come home with bruises or more. Still, Grantaire couldn't help but feel guilty in his apartment, while his light was being beaten out, or the act was being attempted at least. No one could block out the sun.

It was strange that Grantaire missed him this much, was this worried. He, of course, was worried about everyone else but Enjolras was his first priority. Probably always would be. It's not like Grantaire cared much for himself. Quite the opposite, actually. This is when he thinks of the first verse, in a worried state:

_"I miss him so much when he's gone."_

It's only when the Amis return that Grantaire thinks of the rest of the verses. Enjolras is shining, his angelic features calling out to him, even with the purple bruise flowering on his cheek. Courfeyrac looks tired, mildly beaten, followed by an equally worried Combeferre as they drag in a small looking Bossuet and then a badly beaten Jehan. Bahorel is helping to hold them up, looking badly beaten himself.

So, of course, Grantaire feels horrible when the relief he feels is for Enjolras, that he's okay, even if the others are injured. He does worry for the unconscious Jehan and Bossuet, grabbing whatever materials Joly and Combeferre need from around his apartment. The Amis hadn't felt safe to go back to the Musain. The police knew that's where they would go and they were looking for revenge. "Give them a reason and they'll take it," was how Combeferre put it.

Grantaire pretends that he wasn't worried about Enjolras, pretends he doesn't love him. It's a natural response, one Enjolras is used to, so he doesn't even blink when Grantaire places a bandage on the cut on his arm.

The rest of the day is a long one, between worried looks and a pacing Enjolras, but they manage to heal their friends, more or less. Joly and Combeferre determine that everyone should be alright, but everyone goes to sleep that night in pain. All except Grantaire, his guilt serving as his own injuries.

Each Ami wakes up sore and vengeful, but at least they wake up. Enjolras is oblivious, and Grantaire knows that he could never love him back. He didn't have the slightest shot to have his feelings returned, he didn't even think Enjolras liked anyone, let alone men, and definitely not Grantaire. But as the next day goes on, the Amis seem to be calming, coming up with a plan, and Grantaire takes the time to jot down the rest of the fourth verse and the fifth so it reads:

_"I miss him so much when he's gone,_

_But when he's near me I don't let on.._

 

_..The way I feel inside._

_The love, I have to hide_

_The hell! I've gone my pride_

_As long as he needs me."_

Grantaire is drunk when the next verse comes to him. Enjolras is asking why Grantaire can't just leave him alone, why he has to be like this. Grantaire just takes another swig of his drink and Enjolras glares at him and walks away. He isn't really helping things but Grantaire thinks that he has to know about his feelings. It was so impossible not to. Maybe he just hated him anyway. Then Courfeyrac presses a kiss on Combeferre's cheek and wanders over to Grantaire, saying that Enjolras just doesn't know how to deal with all this, he doesn't know what to say or how to act. Grantaire would take what he would get though, if he couldn't love him, he would at least fight with him. But he doesn't say that to Courfeyrac, just muttered a thanks and went back to his drink, but writes the sixth verse on his arm:

_"He doesn't say the things he should_

_He acts the way he thinks he should_

_But all the same,_

_I'll play_

_This game_

_His way."_

Grantaire had honestly forgotten about the song altogether until Enjolras strides into the Musain with a plan to do another protest. Then the cynic is having flashbacks and having a really hard time calming down. They had barely made it out last time, and they certainly weren't unscathed. What did Enjolras think he was playing at? Martyr? Grantaire wasn't about to let him do it alone this time though. He'd be right there with him, no matter what that meant for him. Even if Grantaire was fated to die, he'd take anyone who threatened Enjolras down with him, or he'd die with Enjolras. That was what Enjolras needed.

They meet later that week, prepared for what the day would bring. Many of the Amis had a grim set of the jaw, but an edge of determination to it. He knew that each Ami would do what was right, for the sake of the Cause, for the sake of the people. If they didn't do it, nobody would, and they all knew it. The police were a powerful regime and known for being brutal towards any kind of individualism or people who stepped out of line. Grantaire was dreading today. He collected up the signs and gathered with his friends as Enjolras gave a speech. On the back of a sign he writes the next verse:

_"As long as he needs me,_

_I know where I must be._

_I'll cling on steadfastly,_

_As long as he needs me."_

Morning breaks and the sun is in full swing, shining down on Enjolras' beautiful golden curls. They've been in the streets for a few hours and so far, the police hadn't bothered them, but they weren't there either, which kept everyone a little on edge. The police always knew when these were happening, were always there right away to shut it down. Or try, at least. Today was different. Not one officer was in sight. Grantaire didn't doubt they'd be here soon.

Enjolras was soon in the middle of a speech and a crowd had gathered to see what was going on. The Amis seemed to be gaining support, even if the people giving it showed varying degrees of fear. Some had looked at the scene and quickly gone the other direction, some had stayed. Enjolras looked very pleased with the way things were turning out, there was something in his eyes that said it.

Courfeyrac and Combeferre were together, waving their signs around like madmen. Bahorel was shouting at the top of his lungs about protecting the right to protest with fading scars from the last one. Feuilly and Joly were together, discussing something with some people who had gathered. Jehan and Bossuet were looking pale and kept glancing over their shoulders to see where the police were, scared from their last encounter. Nevertheless, they were also shouting and raising signs high into the air, nothing would take their fight from them. That was something they could never take from any of these individuals. Except maybe Grantaire.

It seemed like the Amis had decided to use the buddy system for the most part. They were each staying in close proximity to one another, except maybe Grantaire. He was on his own, watching Enjolras.

Then there's a terrible noise, and cans are being thrown, gas seeping from them. Enjolras is the one they aimed for, and soon they are all surrounded. Grantaire is running, running to get to Enjolras who is coughing. He fights through the panicked crowd, pushing his way to the only thing he cares about right now. The other Amis are scattered, trying to process what has happened, but the police have made a loose ring around them all. Except maybe Grantaire.

But Grantaire is throwing himself at an officer (probably a bad idea) who is approaching Enjolras. The officer is shocked and tries to shake him, calling to the others. A few officers leave their place from the ring to assist their comrade. Grantaire screams for them to run, but none of them move. None of them until he screams not to waste the chance, screaming as his voice breaks when he screams please. That's when they obey, fighting their way out. Grantaire can see the officers try to tackle Bahorel, and they are hitting Combeferre with a baton. Courfeyrac punches the officer and pulls Combeferre up. Joly and Jehan pull a dazed Bossuet away. Feuilly is fighting with an officer. But Enjolras, Enjolras is just standing there, looking shocked. Grantaire screams at him but he is broken off mid sentence as an officer slams something on his head. The world goes black.

 

Grantaire wakes up in a really uncomfortable chair. There is a sharp pain in his head but when he tries to move his hand to it, something pulls his wrist down, restraining him from doing so. He looks down, only to find his hands and feet, handcuffed to a chair. There is some blood on his clothes which should be concerning, but really he wants to know where he is, and if everyone made it out. The room is dark but there is a really blinding light that flicks on when he moves his head. He blinks a couple times but the light is too bright for his eyes to really adjust. Then someone is in the room with him, asking questions about the Amis, his friends, Enjolras. He won't ever give that up so he's pretty sure he laughs. If they're asking that meant they didn't get him, Enjolras was safe, the others were safe. That's what counted, it didn't matter what happened to him, as long as the others were safe.

Of course this is the time that the verse comes into his pounding head, he remembered the song, the melody and he was almost at the end, he could feel it. He asked the officers for a pen and paper. They probably thought he was going to give them an address or _something_. How little they knew. He scrawls the next lyrics he thinks of:

_"As long as life is long_

_I'll love him right or wrong,_

_And somehow, I'll be strong_

_As long as he needs me._

 

_If you are lonely_

_Then you know_

 

_When someone needs you,_

_You love them so._

 

_I won't betray his trust_

_Though people say I must-"_

That's when the police grab it out of his hand, glare at him and crumple the piece of paper, tossing it on the floor beside him. All Grantaire can think is that he needs to finish the song. It needs to be out of his head, then he can die in peace. That's all it would take.

Instead, the officers approach him and he wishes that he didn't flinch away. The world is black again shortly after.

 

Grantaire is surprised to wake up in a hospital bed, not handcuffed. Sure, he is in a lot of pain, and he knows he has a cast on his leg from when the chair was pushed over. He knows he is beaten and bruised, but he doesn't understand why he is out. The police didn't just let people go. Then, the reason walks through his hospital room door. Enjolras looks tired, his hair is sticking up in places and he looks like he hasn't slept in a week. When he sees Grantaire awake, he lets out a breath, like he'd been keeping it in for a long time. He hurries over to his bedside and Grantaire feels confused. The medication was making him dizzy and dazed, he must be dreaming. Enjolras takes his hand and looks at him like he'd never looked at him before, unguarded, open. It couldn't be love Grantaire was seeing in his eyes.

"Hi."

Grantaire makes a move to speak, but his mouth doesn't open, so he tries to sit up. Enjolras pushes him back down on the bed, whispering for him to lie still. He obeys.

"Just listen," There's a pause. "You did a really stupid thing."

Grantaire wants to laugh but he can't. He thinks that his jaw has been screwed shut, a broken jaw maybe?

"Please never do that again. You had me-" Enjolras shakes his head, " _Us_ so worried."

Grantaire must look really confused or Enjolras just knows him because he speaks again to answer his unspoken questions.

"I made a deal. They let you go, if-" Enjolras looks down at the ground, "If they get me."

Pushing himself up from the bed, Grantaire wants to scream no no no no. That cannot be happening. No, please no-

"They can make an example out of me, R. And the others will be safe."

 _But you were safe, I_ made _sure you were safe._

"This isn't up to you. But I- I just wanted to tell you something before they came to collect me." He laughs bitterly, "I made them let me see you before.." He trails off, "But I wanted to tell you thanks and that- That I love you, R. I do. Seeing you dragged off, I couldn't-" He voice breaks and he looks down at the floor again, "I'm sorry."

Grantaire wants to scream that he can't do this, that he should've let him die, he's not allowed to die for him, Grantaire was supposed to be the one. As long as he needs him.

But the police are not patient people. They barge into the room and take Enjolras by the arms. He lets go of Grantaire's hand and lets himself be dragged off. Grantaire reaches for his hand but he's grasping at air. They are already through the door and gone. Enjolras is gone. And it was all his fault. He lets out a horrible noise and the song plays in his mind. One Enjolras would never hear:

_"As long as he needs me_

_Oh, yes, he does need me_

_In spite of what you see_

_I'm sure that he needs me._

 

_Who else would love him still_

_When they've been used so ill?_

_He knows I always will_

_As long as he needs me._

 

_I miss him so much when he is gone,_

_But when he's near me I don't let on.._

 

_..The way I feel inside._

_The love, I have to hide_

_The hell! I've gone my pride_

_As long as he needs me._

 

_He doesn't say the things he should._

_He acts the way he thinks he should._

_But all the same,_

_I'll play_

_This game_

_His way._

 

_As long as he needs me_

_I know where I must be._

_I'll cling on steadfastly_

_As long as he needs me._

 

_As long as life is long_

_I'll love him right or wrong,_

_And somehow, I'll be strong_

_As long as he needs me._

 

_If you are lonely_

_Then you will know_

 

_When someone needs you,_

_You love them so._

 

_I won't betray his trust_

_Though people say I must._

 

_I've got to stay true, just_

_As long as he needs me."_

Three years later, Grantaire publishes the song, with the melody finished, when the regime is finally toppled. The Amis had their part in it, but since Enjolras, they were all much more careful. Grantaire had stopped seeing them soon after. It was too painful. They still checked in on him though.

Grantaire brings the lyrics to Enjolras' grave, and occasionally sings it to him, wishing that he could've been there as long as he needed him.


End file.
